Woman and baby

Crossroads

I had a dream last night. My adult sons were children again, and I could see the most beautiful details in them. They were sitting on sleeping bags inside of a huge walk-in tent, their cute little faces with wide eyes, and the curly hair of my youngest bouncing over his forehead as he moved about. Sitting down with him, I held his head in my hands and just loved him. I felt a little heartache upon waking because it felt like it had been so long since I had seen him. 

Realizing how much I missed him, I wanted to go back. What’s funny is that we live together!

In exploring my unconscious, like Freud would do, I wonder what this dream was trying to tell me. It’s hard to imagine, but I know that I had issues when my boys were young, and I wasn’t always the best mom that I could be. This morning I swore that I would give anything to go back in time and spend just ONE DAY with them at that sweet young age again. They were so innocent.

My best guess would be that it was “regret,” rearing its ugly head at me due to my past mistakes. The sad truth, however, is that I can’t go back. I can’t change the past, but I CAN go forward. Maybe the dream was a wake-up call, a reminder that we are forever standing at a crossroad. We can stick with our patterns and repeat our old mistakes—if we’re not careful—or we can try to do better.

I love my family too much to miss them again, so I choose the latter. There is no room for regret. Every moment is an opportunity to begin again.


PHOTO BY SAMUEL AT PHOTEAR

10 comments

  1. This is fabulous! And it’s kinda similar to my fictitious “Bedelia”, who had a nightmare which has left her pondering what choices she might make for her future. I’m happy for you and your son!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I understand the feeling of “regret” and I have also learned that just saying sorry will not make everything better. My mental illnesses caused some rifts between my oldest daughter and I and although I have tried to explain it to her and to apologize she doesn’t want to hear it. We have to rebuild our relationship in a different way. She may never forgive me and I have to accept that possibility. Both of us have cried a lot about the situation, but moving on is hard. I have to learn to let it go and if she wants to talk about it and move forward then we will, but I can’t force it. It never occurred to me that saying I was sorry would not be accepted. That really shocked me. I have spent a lot of time in therapy about this issue and all I can do is wait and see. The next move is hers. She is here for me and my health issues, but part of her is missing out of our relationship. I feel like a failure as a mother to my children, but the past is past and now all of us have to move on in whatever way is necessary and that we can. I did what I could, the only way I could. When I was a child mental health was not talked about. No one knew I needed help. I was in my 30s when I had a breakdown and finally got the help I needed. I am 63 now and I still struggle at times.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Tessa! In my own recovery, part of my making amends are what they call a “living amends,” especially when it comes to family. Rather than saying “I’m sorry,” I try to live in a way that paves the way toward a better relationship with my loved ones. That’s not always easy, mind you, because old patterns die hard. Sounds like you are doing right, you just can’t force forgiveness. That’s on the other person. I truly hope that the two of you are able to mend your relationship completely over time.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you Janet. It is a rough situation. We are slowly moving closer to each other, but it is a long process. What is bringing us closer is that I had a bad situation and it was serious and I ended up in the hospital in the throes of an overdose on my pain meds. They were having trouble bringing me around. I was unaware of what was happening to me. It was an accident. My kidneys had failed thereby the pain meds didn’t exit my body and I kept to my normal dose. It scared her and she realized how close she came to losing me. If I hadn’t been able to push my emergency button by the time they found me, I would have died. Scared me too! She doesn’t take me quite as for granted as she had been. I was simply an annoyance with all of my little problems and hospital stays. This was serious and could have ended badly. We moved a step forward in our healing.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Since I live with my own mother, I do realize how easy it is to take them for granted. Sometimes these close calls are real wake up calls and they help us live a fuller life, and appreciate our love ones. Sorry to hear it had to happen, but glad to hear you both moved a step closer to healing.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I pray that one day we can meet more than halfway, closer would be better, but this situation was a real wake up call for both of us, but I just don’t know if it will bring me the solution I seek.

        Liked by 1 person

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